The Regret of Kili

Recently, I have felt the need to re-examine where I am in my life. I guess I had a wake-up call recently that told me: 1) Nothing is certain and 2) It's OK to take a risk and pursue a dream to be happy. I guess I just don't know why my whole life I have been scared to take any chances. In my head I have grand ideas and dreams and goals, but I never really feel like I am good enough or strong enough to accomplish any of them.

Let me break my current thought to go off on a related one. Last night I watched the show Summit on the Summit. It was a big group of celebrities and activists climbing Mount Kilimanjaro to bring awareness to the clean water crisis around the world. We had recorded the show from a while back and never watched it. Josh thought it was something that I would want to watch, but I had been reluctant for personal reasons - the mountain represented failure to me.

Back in 2007, when I was sick with bronchitis, and literally felt like I was near death, I had to turn back on the mountain with 2 of my fellow climbers. At the time, it was the absolute right thing to do. I had the sense to realize that short of being carried, I was not going to make it up and even then I don't know if my lungs would have held out. But after a few days of rest when I was feeling all better, the regret really sank in. It hit most hard when my fellow climbers who we left on the mountain came back with stories and pictures of standing on the summit.

Watching the show last night brought all that back. Memories of terrain, cold, sickness, pure exhaustion. But I never had the payoff to that. I never reached the top, finished what I started. It is something that lingers with me and I'm afraid it always will.

Which brings me to my original point. As much as my heart wants me to some day try Kili again, my head is so afraid of failure it doesn't let me believe that I ever could. But it's not just Kilimanjaro. It's a lot of things.

When I was younger, I always said the best job in the world was photographer for National Geographic. I never actually considered this a legitimate profession that I could obtain. It was something a select few of elitists get to do, and the rest of us watch in awe from our cubicles. I literally never considered photography a possible profession, and didn't even consider it a hobby I could do until a few short years ago.

But why? Why am I so afraid of what people will say? So afraid I won't be good or I might fail or it might be hard. For the most part, I have played life very safe. I never moved far from my family, never made my home anywhere but Florida. I rarely tried anything that I didn't already know I could accomplish. Except Kili.

Wake up, Stephanie. Life is short and at the end of the day, true regrets will be the adventures not attempted.